


You're Lucky, You're Dead

by x_CleoWilliams_x



Series: Loving You - Makoharu AU [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Free! Eternal Summer, LGBTQ Character, M/M, MakoHaru AU Week, SouRin Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 22:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 18,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13867296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_CleoWilliams_x/pseuds/x_CleoWilliams_x
Summary: Two weeks after graduation, Haru and Makoto got into a fight, resulting in Haru moving to Australia with Rin, breaking off all contact with the old Iwatobi Swim Team. Only a few months later, Makoto was killed after a freak accident on a cruise in the Africas. His body was never recovered. He was assumed dead. The funeral was held just a few days later but no one ever told Haru of Makoto's death.It's been 5 years since then.





	1. Chapter One

Haruka's P.O.V.

Since I graduated Iwatobi in 2012, I have been swimming professionally around the world, taking part in all major national competitions. I used to find it exciting but, over time, it lost its spark and now it's just like another day in the office. Despite Rin being here, it's not as fun without my old swim team: Res, Nagisa, Gou ... Makoto. Huh. Haven't thought about him in a while. Since our fight after graduation, we completely lost contact and we haven't spoken since. I also lost contact with Res and Nagisa soon after as talking to them just reminded me of Makoto. 

I drag myself out of the tub, realising that I'd fallen asleep in it again. If Makoto was here, he would just laugh and say in that annoying but oh so endearing voice, 'Again, Haru-chan?' Ugh. Why can't I get him out of my head? I've ignored him well enough for the last 5 years so why can't I now? Maybe some mackerel would help.

I force myself down the stairs, not bothering to change out of my swimsuit - a habit i've had for around 10 years now. Walking into the living room, I spot Rin passed out on the couch, snoring rather loudly I'll admit. I'd forgotten he'd stayed over last night. My apartment is a mess and as I open the fridge, I am quick to notice that there's no mackerel in the freezer. Annoyed, I groan and smack my head repeatedly against the fridge door.

"7 in the morning and already giving up, Haru-chan?"

I turn to see Rin smirking at me. "Don't call me that." In an attempt to find food, I turn back to the fridge.

"Awh, " Rin comes up behind me, snaking an arm around my pale waist. "Is that still a name reserved only for Makoto?" He laughs. "After 3 years of dating and 5 years of not talking to Makoto you still prefer him over me, huh?"

I shake his comment off, no matter how accurate it was, pulling and moving away from him. "Don't be ridiculous."

All he does is laugh again, his shark-like teeth glistening in the morning sunlight. "Come on, Haru. Don't be like that." Rin follows me into the living room, wrapping his arms around my waist, kissing my neck softly. I groan inwardly. He knows I can't resist that. "Come on, Haru..."

Dropping my cold stance, I kiss him lightly on the cheek. "Now leave. I need to get changed." He remains there, staring at me. "Rin!"

Jumping suddenly, he appears to snap back into reality. "What?! It's not like I haven't seen you naked before.."

"RIN!"

"Ok, ok I'm leaving." Holding his hands up in mock surrender, he leaves the house. "Don't forget practice at 10 Haru!"

"I won't," I reassure him, closing the door. I go back to my room and examine the new marks on my neck. I'm not quite sure what to think. Sighing, I slump back onto my bed, running my fingers through my hair. I love Rin - I think - ... he just doesn't feel right anymore. When we touch; nothing. When we kiss; nothing. When we ... ; nothing. If i'm being totally honest, I don't think there was anything there to begin with. The first night we hooked up was my birthday, 3 years ago, after a competition in Japan, near Iwatobi. That day I had gone to Iwatobi to see if I could see Makoto, smooth things over with him but when I got there, I couldn't find anything. Not a trace. It made sense. Why would Makoto still be in Iwatobi when he had such a clear plan for his future in Tokyo? When I got back to the hotel, I was feeling miserable and Rin was there for me and things just happened from there. He still doesn't know the reason for why I was down and for some reason I feel like I can't tell him the truth. I knew he liked me and at the time, I thought I could grow to love him to. I still think I can.

I just can't get Makoto out of my head.


	2. Chapter Two

Haruka's P.O.V.

"Hey, Haru?"

We're sitting on one of the private beaches owned by the Australian swim team that both Rin and I belong to. It's fairly late in the day and the sun is just beginning to set over the ocean, turning it into a 'beautiful mix of autumn colours' as Rei would say. It was a long, hard day of training but it was worth it seeing as we now got two weeks off. "Hmph?"

He turns his body over so his face is now millimetres away from mine. I blush as he tucks a few strands of a my hair behind my ear. "Now I can see your eyes properly. I've got a surprise for you."

This catches my attention. We've never had surprises for each other, this is completely new. "Go on."

"Well, I was talking with Coach the other day about the two weeks we have off, he said it was fine if we wished to go abroad so..." He brought two tickets from his back pocket. "Would you like to come to Tokyo with me and surprise Makoto?"

What?! I stare at him, my eyes wide in shock as I process what he just said. "OH MY GOD YES!" I tackled him in a massive hug, kissing his face all over. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou." I wrap my arms around his neck and whisper into his ear, "how did you know?"

Laughing, he pushes me off before pulling me into his lap again. "Makoto's not the only one who knows you." He pulled me in and we shared one of the most passionate kisses we had ever had. I draw myself away, ecstatic but I knew, during that kiss, I had been thinking of Makoto the whole time.

<>

"Haru, this is utterly ridiculous. We should've stopped to think this through. Neither of us have talked to Makoto in years and Tokyo is huge. We can't just turn up and expect him to be there, waiting for us with flowers and chocolate. Hell, he might not even here anymore."

I ignore him and just carry on pushing through the large crowds. I hear him sigh before he jogs to catch up with me. We don't talk, just walk in an awkward silence. It's been 3 hours since we got off the plane and we've been walking for around 2 hours, with no trace of him. Deep down, I know Rin's right - it's highly unlikely we will ever find Makoto in such a large city but I can't give up now. I'm so close to seeing him.

We keep on walking until we reach this large building. I stop for a moment to admire it. The building is magnificent with grand white pillars and high arch windows but what catches my eye the most is it's large swimming pool in the front grounds. A few years ago, I would've had to fight off the urge to just strip and jump into the pool. Swimming just doesn't seem to call out as much to me without Makoto to jump in after me.

It takes while for Rin to catch up to me and as he nears I hear him grumbling about his 'sore feet' and how this was a 'stupid idea'. Stopping beside me, he glances over the building before reading the sign towering above my head.

"Tokyo College," he murmurs. "Hey, isn't that the college Makoto said he was going to go to?" His whole body appears to snap back to life and his face brightens. "Maybe someone in there will no where Makoto is!"

The sight of Makoto's college left a sting in my heart and just like that: my determination vanished. I turn and walk away. " He won't have been there for two years. No ones going to know where he is." Even though I can't see his face, I feel Rin's smile drop and I feel a small pang of guilt.

Rin runs to catch up with me, bumping me lightly on the shoulder. "So far this has been quite a shitty trip, hasn't it?

"That pretty much sums it up."

"How 'bout we forget about Makoto and enjoy the week we have here? Neither of us have been to Tokyo before so it'll be fun."

I smile, grateful for his attempts to cheer me up. "Sure. It'll be fun."

We walk for about 10 minutes as we make our way back to the hotel. The conversation is dead, set aside a few comments on our surroundings. I pray that tomorrow can only be more enjoyable.

Suddenly, I trip and bump into the man in front of us. I notice that I knocked his file out of his hand and now the sheets are all over the floor. In embarrassment, I hastily drop to the floor and start picking up the sheets. "Sorry, sorry, sorry. So, so sorry." The man says nothing but instead intently at my face. I can't help but blush and look away. "I'm sorry."

There's a sudden cry of shock from the man. "Haruka-senpai?"

"Huh?" Confused, I look up. Wait...is that..."Rei?"


	3. Chapter Three

Rei's P.O.V.

When I woke up this morning, the last thing I ever expected to happen was me going out for coffee with Rin and Haruka-senpai, both who I haven't seen in years. The walk to the coffee shop is incredibly awkward because after the usual hugs and 'how've you been doing?', there isn't a lot to say. I shift my file in my arms uncomfortably. We turn the next corner and (much to my relief) I spot the coffee shop just a few metres away from us. I pointed it out to the two of them. Rin nods in acknowledgement but Haru just continues walking blankly. I wonder what's got into him today?

As we draw closer to the shop, I spot a familiar face and I feel my whole mood shift as I break into a large smile.

"Nagisa!"

Nagisa's P.O.V.

I laugh and run to Rei, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before turning to the people standing behind him. My eyes widen as they land on the grinning Rin and the sullen face of Haru. "OMG! I though I would never see you guys again!" I engulf them in a huge bear hug. Rin laughs and hugs me back.

"I never thought I'd say this but I missed you too."

I punch him lightly on the arm. "Of course you missed me. I am too amazing. Right, Rei?" He ruffles my hair, lightly kissing my forehead.

"Sure."

Rin looks between us. "Oh...So you finally got the guts to ask him out then, huh Rei?"

Rei blushes. "Shut up."

The wind picks up a bit and I realise my hands have gone numb. "Can we go inside now? My hands have gone numb."

Rin leads the way into the shop, Haru walking behind him. I realise that Haru hasn't said a single thing this whole time. I turn and whisper in Rei's ear, "What's up with Haru-chan?"

He just shrugs. "No clue. He's been like this since I saw him."

A sudden realisation dawns on me. "Does he know?"

"Hm?"

"About Makoto?"

"No. He doesn't."

Before we enter the shop, I stop Rei and pull him to the side. "What are we going to tell him? Makoto's probably the reason they're even here."

"We'll just tell him the truth."

I glare at him, punching him on the arm. "We can't do that. It'll kill him."

Rei grabs me by the shoulders, trapping my arms by my sides. "Nagisa, calm down. We have to tell him. We can't just keep it a secret, he'll hear it from someone else anyway. Hopefully, he'll accept it and just move on. I don't believe he feels the same way he used to about Makoto either. He and Rin appear to have gotten very close."

"But Rei..."

"Nagisa."

I sigh and walk with him into the cafe.

3rd Person's P.O.V.

"What the hell was that Haru?"

Haru looks up at Rin in surprise. "Huh?"

Rin sits down at the table and gestures outside to where they could just see Rei and Nagisa talking. "You haven't seen those guys in years and then you just completely blow them off! What is wrong with you."

Muttering under his breath, Haru turns away from Rin and looks out of the window, watching the cars drive past on the street. Rin makes a sound of annoyance, running his fingers through his hair out of frustration. "For god's sake Haru! I know that we came here to see Makoto but he isn't here and you're going to have to learn to deal with that." He reaches across the table and grabs Haru's hand. "The sooner you understand that, the better. Now," he strokes Haru's hand soothingly, "forget about Makoto and enjoy your time with Nagisa and Rei for I feel it will be very unlikely we will cross paths again after this."

Haru smiles gratefully. PING! Nagisa and Rei walk through the door and sit down at the table with them. Nagisa grabs a few menus.

"This place serves the best hot chocolate in the whole world! You have got to taste it and ... oooh... there's also the deluxe chocolate cake which is so good, oh!there's also the..."

"Nagisa."

"Shush Rei, I'm calm."

Rin laughs and even Haru manages a small smile. The waitress walks over to them and they place their orders. Rin engages in an energetic conversation with Rei and Nagisa about life in Australia and the National Australian swim team. Haru smiles softly at the scene before turning back to the window and losing himself in his thoughts again.


	4. Chapter Four

Rin's P.O.V.

I glance over to Haru and notice he is slowly losing himself in his thoughts. I decide to bring up a conversation topic that will interest him. "How long have you guys been in Tokyo then?"

Rei pauses to think. "Around 4 years I think. We both chose to come to Tokyo College and we've been here since then."

"So you'd know where Makoto is then?"

Haru snaps his head up, suddenly very interested. But there's a deathly silence hanging over the table. Nagisa gulps nervously. Rei just hangs his head. I press a little further. "Well? Where is he?"

"Makoto, he..umm..well.."

Haru leans forwards to hear Nagisa. "Go on."

"Well, umm...after your graduation and, errr..your fight he went on a cruise with his family and there was a freak storm and *hiccup*...the boat was...t-the boat was d-destroyed and his body was *hiccup* never found."

What?! I scan Nagisa's and Rei's faces to see if they're joking but both are deathly pale and a silent tear rolls down Nagisa's cheek. Oh God...I turn to Haru but he's not there. I just catch sight of him running out of the door and down the street. "Haru!"

Haru's P.O.V.

After running down hundreds of streets, I come across a large park. I sit beneath one of the trees, out of view from any passers by, and let the tears fall freely. All this time... Ever since Rin mentioned the trip I've dreamed of seeing Makoto again, dreamed of hugging him, telling him I'm so sorry and he'd just laugh and hug me back telling me that everything was fine, the fight never happened but...that'll never happen. He's dead. And has been for 5 years. Memories of us together run through my mind, the dam that kept them closed up for years, breaking, letting the torrent of water run free. I remember his strong embrace, how he was always there for me after every competition, always there for me before school. How he'd always be by my side, no matter what I did and no matter what I said to him. How he'd always look out for me.

But the one memory that sticks out most is us at our graduation and him asking if I'd like to come on a trip to England with him, to watch the Olympic Swimming Competitions in London with him. I remember being so ecstatic but after the fight, I decided it was best if I just didn't go with him and went straight onto Australia with Rin. If I had gone with him, he wouldn't have gone on that cruise. If I hadn't been so stupid and stubborn, Makoto could be alive right now. He could be right here next to me, talking about all those stupid things we used to do in high school. He could've been mine if I had just listened to him. His death is my fault.

I stand up, brushing the leaves and dirt off my clothes. I notice that the sky has gone a light shade of pink and the sun is starting to set. Rin and the others are probably looking for me now. I don't want to face them, nor talk to them. I don't want to be here. My mind is spinning and I know I'm not thinking straight but all I know is I've got to get out of here. My legs start to move and before I can process what's going on, I find myself in a cab heading off to the airport.

I pay for the cab and walk into the airport. Where am I going to go? I have my card on me and being and international swimmer (who occasionally models) I don't really have any issues with money so the cost won't be a problem. It's just I don't know where to go but I have to choose soon. Otherwise I'll be found. Then my eyes settle on one of the planes that is leaving in half an hour. I look at its destination. London, England. Perfect. I'll run to where I was meant to go with Makoto. I'll start a new life there, just like we could've done together.

I rush to pay for the flight and before I know it, the plane is taking off and I'm on my way to a whole new start.


	5. Chapter Five

Rin's P.O.V.

I've been searching for hours now and there's no sign of Haru. Tapping my foot impatiently, I wait for Rei and Nagisa outside the cafe, praying that they'll have found him. I look up, trying to see above the heaving crowds but I can't spot him anywhere. Where could he be? I hear my name being shouted and I turn towards the voice hoping it's him. My face drops when I see only see Rei and Nagisa and no Haru. Both of them look exhausted.

"I'm so *panting* sorry but *panting* we couldn't find him anywhere."

"Well we can't just give up! He's got to be here somewhere!" I snap at Nagisa.

Ri places a calming hand on my shoulder. "We will find him, Rin, I promise. Just not tonight. I'm sure he's fine. Haru's not stupid. In fact, he probably just went back to the hotel you guys are staying at. It's getting dark and me and Nagisa have work tomorrow so we're going to head back to our flat. We'll call you in the morning and continue our search later tomorrow if he's still not there."

I just nod.

"Night Rin."

"Night." I watch them walk away. Running my hand through my hair, I sigh and start to walk back to the hotel. Please Haru, be waiting for me there.

Haru's P.O.V.

Ok, so this is the most wild thing I've ever done. I am sitting on a plane going to England. Rin would be so surprised if he knew. Shit. Rin. Oh fuckkkk. I completely forgot. What am I going to say to him? 'Oh hey Rin, I've decided to take a spontaneous trip to England to mourn my long dead best friend.' Ok so not that. Thing is, I know I've got to tell him that I've gone but I don't want him to come after me. Ok, I have an idea. I'll call him, tell him that I've left Japan, I just won't tell him where.

I dial Rin's number and wait for it to call him but there's no service. What did I expect? I'm in the sky, in the middle of nowhere. Why would there be service? I'll just have to wait until I land then. Until then, I'll relax. I put on my headphones and played my favourite music, my eyes slowly fluttering shut.

Time Skip

I wake up to the person beside me prodding my shoulder. "Sorry, but we're landing soon."

I thank the person and look out of the window. It's raining. Typical. They start to talk over the intercom and I'm grateful that Makoto forced me to continue with English in school otherwise I would be stuffed. Thanks to him, I'm practically fluent in the language. The plane lands and before I know it, I'm in a Taxi heading to a hotel in London.

The hotel is kind of grotty but I should be grateful that I was able to find a room so last minute. Technically it's only 5 here but that means it's like 1 in the morning in Tokyo so I'm shattered. I guess it's too late to call Rin so I'll just do it when I wake up in the morning. I hope he isn't worrying too much.

Time Skip

The sunlight streams through the windows. Where am I? Oh wait...London. That's where I am. Oh dear God. I can't believe I did this. But at the same time...it's kind of exciting and I can't wait to get out and explore London. Maybe find and awesome pool. I don't really like going around large places by myself but I'm sure I'll be fine. Just keep to myself and stay out of trouble. First however, I have to call Rin.

*Ring Ring*

"Haru! Oh my God, where are you? I've been worrying none stop, I've been searching the whole city, Nagisa and Rei too, I'm so relived! Where are you, I'll come get you."

"I don't think that's going to happen, Rin."

"What do you mean? I don't care how far I have to drive."

"I'm not in Tokyo."

"What?! Where are you? Did you go back to Iwatobi?"

I laugh. "No, Rin. I'm not in Japan."

"WHAT?!"

"Look Rin, I just needed some time to myself and I've decided I want to start over. I don't want to swim professionally anymore. I don't want to be with anything that reminds me of him. And as much as it hurts, that includes Rei, Nagisa...and you."

"No, Haru, just tell me..."

I hang up. I feel bad but at the same time I feel great. Hopefully Rin won't come looking for me, I think I made my point pretty clear. It will be better for him now anyway. He can be with someone who wants to be with him, not someone who just needs a person to fill the gap which can never be filled with anyone but Makoto.

I let all thoughts of Rin leave my mind. It's time to explore London.


	6. Chapter Six

Haru's P.O.V.

There may have been a few minor flaws concerning my spontaneous trip to London in the fact that I have no idea where I'm going. Or where I am to be quite exact. I know I was by the London Eye 15 minutes ago but then I wandered down some random street and now I don't know where I am. This part of London isn't so clearly advertised all over the world. I sidestep past some smashed bottles, puddles of vomit and a drunk man passed out against the decaying door to one of the dingy flat blocks. 

I emerge from the small alley and I thank god that I am with groups of tourists again. This street is much larger and slightly cleaner. The road is filled with smart, black taxis and huge red buses that are overflowing with people and their cameras. It's like being back at the swimming competitions with all the camera flashes and people shouting. 

This place is so diverse I don't even think I really need my English-speaking skills. Everywhere you turn there's someone from a different ethnicity, all speaking beautiful foreign languages. Little snippets of conversations I am able to understand from what I've picked up on tours. 

Despite not knowing where I'm going, I feel perfectly safe and happy. It almost feels like home, like I belong here. Much more than Sydney did, much more than Tokyo. Walking these streets of London I feel like I'm walking the streets of Iwatobi again. So natural. If I could find a job here and a flat I think I could happily stay here. I'd never have to go back. 

I find myself by the Thames once more and I can see the London Eye on the other side of the river, in the distance. I hear Big Ben chime. 12 o'clock. I'm kind of hungry but not enough to sit down and eat at one of these riverside cafes so I'll wander back into the main streets of London and until I'm hungry enough to find food there.

Rin's P.O.V.

Aghast, I fall back against my chair, Haru's words running round in my head like a never-ending nightmare. I'm not in Japan. Where has he gone? I don't want to be with anything that reminds me of him. Why is it always about him, Haru? That includes you. And there I was thinking that maybe I meant more to you but as always, I'm second best to Haru, a last resort for you, a cheap replacement. 

The cafe is busy today and it's hard to believe that it's barely been two days since we were last in here. I can't help but feel guilty. I feel like I don't care enough that Makoto's dead. Of course I do. Hearing he was dead was like taking a stab to the heart. Haru never gave me time to grieve. I haven't had any time to because all my thoughts have been plagued with worry about Haru and where he's gone. 

The doorbell chimes and I look up to see Nagisa and Rei walk through the door, taking the seats opposite me. Nagisa takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to say something but I cut him short. "Don't bother. You won't be finding him here."

"Huh?! What do you mean?"

"Did you find him?"

"Is he ok? Why isn't he here with you now?"

A tear rolls down my cheeks and I hold back a sob.

Rei and Nagisa shut up quickly and in the blink of an eye they're both next to me, engulfing me in a massive hug. I let the tears fall and bury my head in their shoulders. 

"Rin...what happened?"

"H-haru's gone. He s-said he needed to g-get away and didn't want to b-be with anyone that re-reminded him of Makoto inc-including me."

"Oh Rin..."

They don't say anything else, just carry on soothing me, muffling my sobs. Somehow I ended up back in their apartment and in one of their beds. I cry for a bit longer before sleep comes. 

Haru's P.O.V.

I find a small cafe that is out of the way and hopefully isn't too busy. The menu looks simple and the prices aren't too expensive so I head in. 

When I walk in, the scene changes drastically from the simple setting outside. Bright lights are flashing, the floor is filled with mass crowds of people, all singing and dancing. I look above the crowds and see a stage with a karaoke machine and a drunk person singing a god-awful version of 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'. I did not know that people got up to this stuff in the middle of the day. Maybe Brits are different? This is completely different to the stereo typical version of the British with their posh cups of tea in floral-patterned china.

A huge banner hangs above the counter reading 'Karaoke!: 11am-12pm'. Okayyy, weird time for a karaoke session. Could be fun. I take a seat in the back of the room with a latte and watch as random people get selected for the Karaoke. 

???'s P.O.V.

I laugh as the man falls off the stage. He gets up and shouts in delight. He's too drunk to register the pain but that is going to hurt tomorrow. I love working here: it's the only place in London where you'll find drunk people at 1pm. 

Jack at the bar takes the microphone and points at a random person in the crowd, letting the spotlight fall on them. The person groans but still gets up on the stage. If you come to this place there's no way you'll get away with not singing something. 

Jack comes down from the stage. "I need some more glasses from the back, go get some for me?"

I laugh. "Sure. Really filled up in the last hour, right?"

"I'll never understand these people."

Slowly, I manoeuvre through the mass crowds of people towards the back. As I get closer, I notice one guy sitting by himself, distanced from the crowd. He doesn't look upset, in fact it looks like he's thoroughly enjoying the scene. I've never seen him before so he's probably a newcomer. He does look vaguely familiar however. 

He suddenly turns his head towards me and for a split second, our eyes meet. Those piercing blue eyes. I quickly duck into the back room, praying the light wasn't enough for him to recognise me. How did I not recognise him earlier? That slim build, that silk raven hair and those eyes. Why is he here? Is this some sick joke that someone's playing on me? It's not funny! Maybe it isn't him, maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me. 

But when I peek through the door once more, I'm certain. 

Haruka Nanase.

I smile at him just sitting there all alone. He hasn't changed one bit. 

I've missed you, Haru.


	7. Chapter Seven

Haru's P.O.V.

I've been here for at least half an hour now and this whole thing has really started to grow on me. Person after person go up on stage, sing an awful song which everyone says they hate but secretly they know all the words and will dance to it. The room is never quiet and it's a great distraction from all the shit that's been happening in the past few days. 

The lights dim and the crowd all turns expectantly to the stage. In the spotlight, a man (who I've come to assume runs this whole gig) runs up onto the stage, grabbing the microphone on his way up. 

"Well, what a run we've had so far! So many excellent singers and so many excellent songs. But the night is still young and we've got plenty more to come!"

The crowd erupts into cheers.

"Now....It's time to choose our next performance! Drum roll please." 

In time to the drums, the spotlights flashes around the room randomly. The drums get louder and louder until they are suddenly silenced by the tremendous clash of the cymbals. I look around the room for the light but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Wait. I look up. Oh shit. The light's on me. 

I start to shake my head but my hands are taken in strangers as they pull me up onto the stage. Despite my resistance, I still somehow end up on the stage, all eyes on me. "Ummm..hi. My name is Haru and the song I'm going to sing is going to be quite different from most of the other...interesting performances we've had today."

Muffled laughter can be heard from around the room. 

"The song I'm going to be singing is Gone to Soon by Simple Plan. This is for my best friend in high school who died a few years ago. I only actually learnt of his death a few days ago but I'm going to sing it for him regardless. This is for you, Makoto Tachibana."

My hands are clammy and the butterflies in my stomach have gone into maximum overdrive. But as soon as I hear the first notes of the song start to play, it all goes away. I owe this to him. 

 

"Hey there now

Where'd you go

You left me here so unexpected

You changed my life

I hope you know

cause now I'm lost

So unprotected"

He was always there for me and that was one of the many things I loved about him. He would never let me down. 

"In a blink of an eye

I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star

Flyin' across the room

So fast so far

You were gone too soon

You're part of me

And I'll never be

The same here without you

You were gone too soon"

Why did he have to go? Why did it have to be him? Why wasn't I there with him? I wish I had drowned with him. 

"You were always there

like shining light

on my darkest days

you were there to guide me

Oh I miss you now

I wish you could see

Just how much your memory

Will always mean to me"

He died thinking I hated him. I never even got the chance to tell him I was sorry, to tell him how much he meant to me. 

"In a blink of an eye

I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star

Flyin' across the room

So fast so far

You were gone too soon

You're part of me

And I'll never be

The same here without you

You were gone too soon

Shine on! Shine on!

On to a better place

Shine on! Shine on!

Will never be the same

Shine on! Shine on!"

The small lights of people's lighters flicker on and they begin to fill the room, swaying gently to the music, lighting up the room like little stars in the night sky. A silent tear trickles down my cheek. 

"Like a shooting star

Flyin' across the room

So fast so far

You were gone too soon

You're part of me

And I'll never be

The same here without you

You were gone too soon

Shine on! Shine on!

You were gone too soon

Shine on! Shine on!

You were gone too soon

Shine on! Shine on!

You were gone too soon"

The song ends. There's a deathly silence. A lone clap echoes loudly around the room. Another joins in. And another. Before long the whole audience is clapping loudly, mixed in with cry of praise and whistles. I blush and quickly run off the stage before I get any more embarrassed. 

When i reach my seat, I am quick to notice there's another person in my seat. I can't really see who it is due to the dim lights. I open my mouth to make a remark but the man beats me to it. 

"You have a nice voice."

The compliment catches me off guard. "Uh..thanks?"

He laughs. "No need to sound so nervous. We are friends after all."

I scoff. "I don't think so."

The man laughs again and gets up, walking towards the exit. He turns just before he opens the door. "You just sung a song in my memory Haruka. I think that counts as friends." He then opens the door and leaves me there, trying to process what he just said. 

You just sung a song in my memory. It couldn't be...Haruka. But only one person insists on calling me that. No... I run out of the door and scream after him. 

"Makoto!"


	8. Chapter Eight

Makoto's P.O.V.

I sprint out of the cafe. I can't believe I just did that. Why did I do that? I could've just let him leave, let him go without him knowing I was just a few feet away.

Now this whole life I've set up is going to fall apart. If Haru now knows I'm alive...it's only going to be a matter of time before the others find out as well. What if they're here with him?

Everything I've worked so hard for. Ruined. Just because I couldn't keep my stupid mouth shut.

I couldn't help it. When I'm around him..I just lose control.

Feeling people's glares on me as I push past them, I rush through the heaving crowds of London in an attempt to hide from Haru. He's not far behind me; I can hear him shouting after me.

"Makoto!"

There's a small tug at my heart when I hear him call my name. I haven't heard his voice in such a long time. It's almost enough to make me stop and turn around.

My step falters and I slow to a walk. There's no point in running anymore. I can't run from him forever, he will find me. Even if I make everyone believe I'm dead.

The sound of his heavy breathing gets closer and closer until it's right behind me, hot breath tingling against my neck. "Haru."

He grabs me roughly by my shoulders and turns me around to face him. Our faces are only inches apart but he takes no notice of this. "They told me you were dead."

"I'm as good as."

"Makoto! This isn't a joke. I thought you were dead!" He wipes a tear from his cheek. "I thought I'd lost you..I thought I'd never see you again. It isn't funny!"

I can't help but laugh slightly. "Haru...I've been supposed dead for the last five years. Don't tell me you've been like this the whole time?"

Haru hangs his head, staring at the ground, "I only found out a few days ago."

This catches me by surprise. "Huh?!"

I notice people staring at my sudden outburst and I quickly usher Haru forward. We're only a few minutes walk from my flat so I decide to take him there.

When we get inside, I leave Haru - now a sobbing mess - on the sofa and got into the kitchen to make some tea. I hand one of the steaming cups over to Haru who accepts it gratefully.

We sit there for a few minutes in an awkward silence. "So what did you mean when you said you only found out a few days ago?"

"I mean I was only told a few days ago. Rin and I were given a short break from the Australian Swim Team and we decided to go to Tokyo to visit you. We assumed that's where you'd be but instead we found Nagisa and Rei who told us the truth..or more like the lie you've made everyone believe." He peers at me over the top of his mug, those bright blue eyes meeting mine. "Why did you lie Makoto?"

My face flushes red and I gulp nervously. "Technically, I never lied. They didn't find my body and just presumed I was dead."

"But why didn't you come back?" Haru persists.

"I saw it as an opportunity."

"An opportunity for what?"

"To start over, to have a new life." I gaze out of the window. "And that's what I found here. I stayed with a nice couple who lived near the place where the boat sunk and I got a job there. I loved there for two years before I had enough money to come here which is what I always wanted to do. And from then on, I've been living here."

Haru follows my gaze and silence falls over the room once again. "Why would you want to start over?"

"There was nothing left for me back home. My family were all gone."

"You had me. Nagisa. Rei."

"No I didn't. You were gone. You left for Australia with Rin and that was it. As far as I knew, that fight would be the last time I saw you. Rei and Nagisa...I couldn't face them without constantly being reminded of what life used to be like. I just wanted to forget it all."

"Oh," Haru pauses and sips some of his drink though it must've gone cold by now. "So I'm the only one who knows what truly happened then."

All colour drains from my face. I knew that this question was going to come but at the same time I had hoped it never would. If it isn't enough that I've already caused him pain, I'm going to make him think that I don't trust him anymore. "Not exactly."

His stare snaps back to me. "What do you mean?" His eyes have gone cold.

"You're not the only one who knows the truth. It wasn't intentional but when I started off in London, I barely had enough to keep me going. I couldn't find a job and there was no way I was going to be able to afford a flat. It just seemed like a dream come true when I saw Sousuke at a swimming competition here."

"Sousuke!?" The pain in Haru's eyes is evident when I mention Sosuke's name. He never got on with Sosuke and the fact that Sosuke had known the truth years before him probably wasn't helping.

"Yeah. You should've seen his face when he saw me. He looked so scared, a look I never thought I'd see on him."

Though Haru keeps a deadly cool tone, it's not hard to hear the underlying tone of jealousy in his voice. "So, did he help you out then."

I nod. "Yeah, he helped me out a lot actually. He got me a job at the cafe which is where you saw me and also a part-time job as a swimming coach in the swimming club down the street, where he works."

"You see him a lot then."

I laugh nervously. "All the time actually. This a shared apartment. Me and Sousuke bought it together."

I hear the door open. Oh God. If today couldn't get any worse.

"You're home early Makoto. Didn't think your shift ended 'till-" Sousuke stops short as he notices Haru in the room. His eyes narrow and Haru glares in response. "Long time no see Nanase."

"Exactly my thoughts Yamazaki."


	9. Chapter Nine

Rin's P.O.V.

"Think. Think. Think. If you were Haru, where would you go?"

I tug at my hair in frustration. "That's the point Nagisa! No one knows Haru well enough - not even me - to know the exact place in the world he'd run off to. There's seven continents, 195 countries and all we know is that he's not in Japan."

Nagisa pauses, lost in thought. "Makoto would know."

I sit up and stare at Nagisa across the room. "Are you serious?"

"I know we can't ask him, I was just stating a fact."

In desperation, I look over at Rei who hasn't looked up from his book in the past 10 minutes. "Are you going to help us or are you just going to stare mindlessly at that page for another 1o minutes?"

He holds his finger up to shush me. "I'm concentrating."

"Oh my fucking god. Is no one at all concerned for Haru whatsoever?!"

Rei slams his book shut. "Here's the thing Rin: Haru didn't tell you where he was going because he doesn't want to be found. So don't waste your time doing something he doesn't want. Now let me concentrate. Some of us have work to do."

That shut me up. I've never heard Rei speak in such a tone. God, I must've really pissed him off.

Nagisa shoots me a sympathetic look but I can tell that he just wants to work now as well.

I take the hint and stand up. "Thanks for dinner. I think it's best if I go back to my hotel now."

"Are you sure? You can stay if-"

"I'm sure. I have to call mine and Haru's manager anyway and tell him what happened. I'll see you later."

"'K, bye."

The door shuts behind me and I make my way out of their apartment building. A light breeze glides through my hair. The sun has begun to set, emitting a golden hue over Tokyo. If I wasn't so worried about Haru, I might actually have appreciated the beauty of the city more.

Haru's P.O.V.

What the hell is he doing here. Why the hell is he greeting Makoto - my Makoto - as if they were best friends. Why the hell is Makoto smiling at him as if he was the best thing on Earth. Why-

"Haru?"

I look up to see Makoto giving me a concerned look. Those bright green eyes look so worried that I instantly feel guilty.

"You've been looking at the floor as if you wanted to rip it into millions of little pieces for a while now. Is everything ok?"

Noticing Sousuke isn't in the room, I decide to be honest with Makoto. "I thought you wanted to start over."

"Wha-"

"You said you wanted to start over. Wanted nothing to do with your old life. Including me. And then it turns out that you are perfectly fine with Sousuke being here and Sousuke being everywhere you go. Sousuke was a part of your old life as well. Why on earth are you alright with him being here but not me?"

"Haru-" Makoto stops, lost for words. He looks down at his feet and shifts his hands nervously in his lap. "I-"

"Am I not good enough for you anymore?" My voice wavers and I have to fight back the tears.

Spotting the tears in my eyes, Makoto runs over to me a pulls me into a hug. He runs his fingers through my hair like he used to do to calm me down back when we were younger. "You're perfect Haru. You're too good for me. I just-"

I pull away from him, wiping away the tears.

"You just what?"

"I missed what I used to have and I missed all of you guys. The reason why I didn't come back was because I knew that you weren't always going to be there and when you were going to be there, I didn't think you would want to see me after- after the fight."

I notice Makoto shaking slightly and I place my hand on top of his to reassure him, nodding for him to carry on.

"And then when Sousuke appeared, he offered me a glimpse of my old life, something I could have without returning. And I loved that."

There's a sound by the door to the kitchen and Makoto suddenly withdraws his hand and moves back to his original seat as Sousuke walks in. They smile at each other and Sousuke sits himself - uncomfortably close - to Makoto.

An awkward silence fills the room. It's never been like this with me and Makoto. We are - well he is - always able to find something to say and make a lengthy conversation about it. Now it appears we are unable to do that anymore.

I bet it Sousuke's fault.

Coughing nervously, I decide to break the tension. "You still keep in touch with Rin, Yamazaki?"

Sousuke lets out a harsh laugh that sounds more like a bark. "No, that bastard never talked to me once since he and you went to Australia. Everything we had kind of fell apart. Just like you and Makoto."

Makoto flushes a bright red and cries out in protest. "That's not true! Me an-"

Letting out a much lighter, softer laugh, Sousuke lifts his arm and p l a c e s i t a r o u n d M a k o t o ' s s h o u l d e r s. "I know, I was just kidding."

Visibly relaxing, Makoto sinks into Sousuke's hold. "Oh ok."

A silence falls over the room again as I watch the two of them. Me and Makoto used to do that all the time, but that was just because we were best friends from birth. Makoto and Sousuke barely knew each other when I left. Could they..no they couldn't. But all the signs point to..."Are you two dating?"

Once again Makoto blushes and stutters but Sousuke squares up and answers confidently. "Yes. yes we are. In fact, in one week, it's our one year anniversary."

My mouth goes dry. "Oh. Congratulations."

Small, polite conversation starts up but I block out Makoto's voice. All I can focus on are Sousuke's cold blue eyes staring at me across the room, speaking directly to me and I could hear the statement loud and clear.

Makoto's mine.


	10. Chapter Ten

Haru's P.O.V.

Makoto and Sousuke have disappeared into the kitchen to "get some dinner ready", leaving me perched awkwardly on the edge of the sofa . I have no doubt that they are actually making dinner but I know that they really went in there to discuss what they were going to do with me.

My eyes scan the apartment, taking in every small detail; the small dolphin ornament atop the fireplace, the unfinished papers scattered on the table, the light blue lamp next to an image of Sousuke and Makoto together at the London Eye. The walls are creme-coloured with the left wall with the window coloured a mint-green. Each occasional decoration in the room is a soft blue. Green and blue: The colours of me and Makoto.

But to Makoto, they're the colours of him and Sousuke.

I get up off the sofa and walk to the window, admiring the view. From here you can see the River Thames and the London Eye going round in its long, slow circle. People on the streets below move in one heaving mass, each person different and unique but when all together, they become one.

When I was younger, I did all I could to blend in, to not get noticed. I didn't want to be special. So I didn't speak. I didn't talk. I put on a cold, harsh exterior which scared many away. Makoto for many years was the only one who was able to push past that and get me to talk. When we reached high school, he knew me so well that we didn't need any verbal communication: He knew exactly what I was talking about.

Along the years we were apart, that connection seems to have broken.

Drifting along the walls, my eyes fix on one photograph amongst the many up on the wall. It's a collage, many pictures of the old Iwatobi swim team; me, Nagisa, Rei and Makoto. Some were competition photos, others taken unaware. A few are very old, pictures of the original swim team, with Rin as well, and others of the school swim team back in middle school. In the midst of all these team photos, there are many pictures of me and Makoto together, ranging from when we were just babies to high school graduation.

Clearly Makoto couldn't quite cast his old life aside.

And for some odd reason I can't explain, that made me happy.

Makoto's P.O.V.

"So-"

As soon as Sousuke walks in behind me, I slam the door to ensure Haru won't be able to hear any of what we say. "I don't know what to do."

Turning away from him, I face my reflection in the white tiles. Tears glisten in my eyes. Sousuke notices and wraps his arms around me, allowing my to cry on his shoulders. "I'm so sorry-"

"Hey, it's not your fault. You didn't know he was going to appear here of all places."

"I know but-"

He turns my shoulders so we're face to face and kisses me lightly on my forehead. "It's going to be fine, Makoto."

"But what are we going to do?"

He pauses, uncertain. "Did Haru tell you his reason for coming to London?"

No, no he didn't. I never really gave Haru any time to explain and he never offered an explanation. "No. He didn't. But it couldn't have been good..I mean, I found him in the bar I worked for god's sake in the middle of the day!"

Sousuke glances at the door. "You don't think he could've had a fight with Rin? Maybe he came here so he could get away from him."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you came here so no one would find you-"

"Fat lot of good that was."

He laughs. "Maybe Nanase came here because he didn't want to be found either."

"Fat lot of good that did him. Clearly London isn't the place to hide."

Realising that I am actually going to have to make dinner, I start getting things out of the cupboard and fridge. There's barely anything that Haru likes - that being his tastes haven't changed since we last talked. Then, as if it was fate, I found a packet of mackerel in the back of the fridge. A small laugh escapes my lips as I see it.

"What?"

I turn to Sousuke, waving the packet at him. "It's almost as if we knew Haru was coming."

We start to make the dinner, not even needing to confer with one another. It's become such an effortless routine, but only because we've done it hundreds of times. Unlike my instant connection with Haru, mine and Sousuke's non-verbal communication is something that has to be practiced.

"Does Nanase have a place to stay?"

"Yeah, I think so. But if he does want to stay with us, you wouldn't mind..would you?"

"As long as he doesn't kill me in my sleep I'm cool with that."

I smile. 

"Makoto?"

"Yeah?"

"The food's burning."

A sour smell of burnt food wafts past my nose. "Shit!" I panic and rush to turn down the heat, then causing the pan to flip and fall on the floor. The mackerel sits blackened on the white tiles. The situation is so sad that I can't help but laugh. Sousuke joins me and soon we are uncontrollably laughing.

Haru opens the door and pops his head in. "What is going on..never mind. I think I know."

Rin's P.O.V.

I sit in my hotel room, the sun glaring through the windows. Coach didn't take kindly to Haru running off my I couldn't be bothered to deal with his complaints. I need to know where Haru is and until then, I can't worry about swimming or Coach's short temper.

My phone buzzes. I look at it and frown. A text from an unknown number.

*Hey, this is Sousuke. I know this is very out of the blue but did something happen in Australia, between you and Nanase?*

*Sousuke? It's been forever since we last talked. What do you mean about Haru? Have you seen him???*

*Yeah, we're going to have to catch up some time soon. And for Nanase, lets say he's sitting right in front of me.*

My heart stops.

*What?! Where is he? Why is he with you? What's happening? Is he alright?*

*Woah, woah calm down. Nanase is fine..physically. Mentally..well I'm not quite sure how he's feeling right now. It's hard to explain. I think it's best if you came here. Then everything might be easier to explain.*

*Where are you???*

*London.*

*London? What the hell is Haru doing in London? Never mind, as soon as I can get a flight, I'm on my way over.*

*Bring Nagisa and Rei with you as well.*

*Why?*

*They'll want to know what's happening too. I'll text you the address when you land. It'll be good to see you again. I have a lot of things to catch you up on. The same goes for you, I think.*

*Yeah, thanks btw. It'll be good to see you again.*

I put my phone down. If I'm being perfectly honest, I have no idea what's going on anymore. All I know is Haru is in London..with Sousuke. And I need to bring Nagisa and Rei with me.

I better call them and tell them to pack their bags.

I'll be seeing you soon, Haru.

You too..Sousuke.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Nagisa's P.O.V.

I'm woken by someone shaking me shoulder roughly. Briefly opening my eyes, I notice that it is still too dark and tell the person who I assume to be Rei to shove off.

"It's not Rei," the person hissed in my ear. "It's Rin."

I shoot up and switch the light on next to me. "Wha-" I see Rin in standing next to my bed and Rei looking on apologetically from the corner of the room. "What's going on?"

Rei opens his mouth to answer but is rudely interrupted.

"We've found Haru."

"Really?!" I leap out of bed and start looking round before stopping and realising he isn't in the room. "Where is he?"

Rei steadies me by placing an arm round my shoulder. "No, we don't have Haru with us, we just know where he is."

"Then where is he?"

"London."

"LONDON?!"

Rin clamps a hand round my mouth, silencing me. "Shut it idiot! There are people sleeping in this building!"

I yawn, reminded of the earliness of the morning. "Then why are we up so early?"

"Because this was the earliest flight I could get to London. It leaves in two hours. Get ready."

Rin shoves a pile of clothes into my hands.

"...Wait, am I coming to?"

Rin nods curtly. "Yeah, both of you."

"But why?"

Shrugging, Rin makes his way out of the room. "I don't know. Sousuke just said that you two would want to come to."

Ok. This makes no sense. But any excuse to go to London is a good excuse, right? It doesn't matter whether Sousuke gave a - wait. "Sousuke? WhatdoyoumeanSousuke?!" I run out of the room after Rin, Rei in quick pursuit.

He stops laughing. "Who do you think told me where Haru was dumbass? I'll meet you outside in 10."

With that he leaves the room. I look at Rei who seems just as confused as I was. "Does that mean Sousuke is in London..with Haru?"

Rei stares at the door which Rin just walked out of. "I don't know. Clearly Sousuke must be in London with Haru for him to know where he was but the two would never choose to stay together. There's something not right about this. There's something missing. I-"

"What?"

Looking awkwardly down at his feet, Rei appeared to be in deep thought. I walked up to him and poked his chin.

"What is it?"

Rei looks at me. "The only time I've really known Haru and Sousuke to tolerate each other is when either Makoto or Rin were around and Rin is with us so-"

"But Makoto's dead."

He doesn't answer, he just walks away. "I wonder."

Makoto's P.O.V.

I show Haru where the bathroom is and then head into my bedroom. Sousuke's lying on the bed on his phone, smiling strangely at it. "What's so funny?"

He jumps, startled by my words. Recovering himself quickly, he leans forward and places a quick kiss on my forehead. "I told Rin."

I stare back at him, puzzled. What did he mean by telling Rin? He hasn't talked to Rin in ages and we got together ages ago so if he was going to tell him, why wait till now? Unless... "You told Rin about Haru?"

"I had to. I felt Rin had to know."

I pull away from Sousuke's embrace. "What? Are-are you stupid? Haru wanted to get away from them all and..and you just told Rin!"

"Rin deserved to know."

"And now Rin's going to come over here and get Haru and he's going to have to come here and I.." Then it sets in. "They're going to know the truth."

"I'm sorry Mak-"

"You told him knowing that this would happen."

"Mak-"

"You knew! I thought..argh..I thought I could trust you! I thought you'd understand!"

"I do understan-"

"No you fucking well don't! If you did then you wouldn't have told him! I can't fucking believe you."

"Just listen.."

"No Sousuke. Now's not the time. I just...I just need to be alone."

I storm out of the room and I hear him make his way towards me before thinking better of it and letting me be. As I go past the bathroom, Haru pops his head out of the door.

"Makoto? I heard shouting and-"

I slam the door behind me, cutting him off. It's morning and the streets of London are already filled to the brim with people rushing to work. I have a day off today and I was originally going to spend it with Sousuke but now I don't know.

Nowadays it seems I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what to do with my life, I don't know what to do about Sousuke, I don't know what to do about Haru. God, Haru.

Ever since Haru turned up things have turned into a nightmare. My past life just seems to be following my everywhere I go, watching me behind curtains. Before he turned up, everything was fine. I had a great life. I had a great boyfriend. Now all that was sweet has turned sour.

Why did I fucking talk to him? I could've just let him be. It's unlikely he was going to stay for long. He would've left as soon as his swim team started practicing again.

For years I have managed to distance myself from Haru. I've learnt to live without him always being there. I've learnt to get over my stupid unrequited love for him that always seemed to screw me over no matter what I did. I thought I was over it. I thought -

Well, it doesn't matter what I thought now. No matter of thinking about what I thought in the past was going to change anything. It's what I think and do now.

But I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to think.

Why Haru? Why do you have to be right here, right now? Why couldn't you just let me be? I thought that this time I had run far enough for us to never meet again.

But I seems no matter what I do, we'll always be pulled back together.

Us being together was how it was always meant to be.

And how it should still be.

But it's not.

He's got Rin.

I've got Sousuke.

But I still want him.

I wish he could want me.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Makoto's P.O.V.

It's dark by the time I finally stumble back into my apartment. Most of the day was spent aimlessly wandering round London, trying to clear my head but after a few drinks, it began to pound relentlessly.

The fact that I left Sousuke alone with Haru for a whole day has been pushed to the back of my mind and all I want now is to sleep, hopefully to wake up and for all this to be one crazy dream.

Yet it's hard to close your eyes when the harsh sting of the truth is constantly pricking at you, like a thorn in your side.

I'm surprised to see the living room light on when I walk into the room. Both Sousuke and Haru are sitting there, glaring at one another but not speaking. The tension in the room is thick and it's not hard to tell that there has been an argument just not a few moments previously. I wonder whether it was about me.

At the sound of the door shutting, the two snap their heads round to look at me. Haru's gaze lingers for a while before nodding at me and walking into the guest bedroom. I sigh. Clearly he cared enough to stay up but not enough to know why I went missing. No changes there.

Despite the relief in his eyes, Sousuke turns away from me and makes his way to our room.

"I'm sorry." Why am I saying that? I shouldn't be sorry, he should. He's the one who screwed this up, he's the one that needs to be apologising to me. Curse my good nature.

"No, you shouldn't be sorry. I should. I shouldn't have told Rin, I didn't think," Sousuke pauses and looks back at me uncertainly, "I didn't tell Haru. I didn't know how, I was too worried about you and-"

"I know. It's probably best if I tell him anyway."

"Thank you so much for understanding. I don't deserve you." He goes to pull me into a hug but I move myself away.

"You know, sometimes I wonder why I even stay with you."

"Mako-"

"No, no. Let me speak. You treat me like shit. You expect to be able to say whatever, do whatever and not expect me to do anything about it. You expect me to do all you say, no complaints like I'm..like I'm no more than a pet." The words come out sour in my mouth and I recoil at the taste.

"You're much more than a pet to me Makoto. Without you I'm-"

"Nothing?" I let out a cold, loud laugh that sounds more like a bark to my ears. "Doesn't this all sound familiar? We've had this conversation countless times. But you know why I stay? Cause you're an expert at sorry, sweet-talking me over and over again until I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

I glance up at Sousuke and spot the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. As much as I want to shout at him, scream at him, tell him we're over, I know I can't. Despite all these things I hate about him, I know there'd be so much more that I'd miss. I'd miss the way he holds me at night, how he runs his hands through my hair when I cry, how he's always there for me. How he was the one to help me out. He was never one to shout, never one to yell.

I turn away from him, unable to look at him anymore. "I'm sorry..I'm just tired. I need some sleep."

Sousuke nods. He goes into the bedroom and brings out a blanket and a pillow. I stare at him in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"I thought that perhaps you would want me to sleep out here tonight after-"

Sometimes Sousuke is so dense. Smiling softly, I walk over to him and kiss him lightly on the cheek. "Don't be silly."

He blushes and turns away. "I just thou-"

"Nope. Not happening. You are sleeping with me tonight, no matter what just happened."

As we fall into bed, a sudden question appears in my head. "Hey Sousuke."

"Hmm?"

"When are Rin and the others coming down?"

"Oh," Sousuke gulps nervously, "they caught a flight two hours ago. They should be here by the morning."

Fuck. "Sooo...we're going to have to tell Haru now, aren't we?"

Sousuke grumbles and sits up. "I guess so."

Haru's P.O.V.

I wrap the pillow round my head in a feeble attempt to drown out the shouting. It's twice today I've heard them argue. I know both times have had something to do with me but I just can't hear exactly what they're saying. It's really none of my business anyway.

Something about the two of them just bothers me. I know people in a normal relationship do argue and do have fights, but surely not as much as I've heard them fight in the past two days. Not in a way that should make one disappear for a whole day and cause the other to smash three vases and then sit still on the sofa until the other returned.

Each argument, I have decided, has been the fault of Sousuke's. Either something he's said, or something he's done. Makoto deserves so much better than that. He deserves someone who understands him. Someone who knows how to make him happy. Someone like me.

I groan and turn over.

What am I talking about? Someone like me? Of course he wouldn't want someone like me. Someone who was offered all the love on the world and turned him down because he was afraid? Someone who distanced himself and refused to talk to him ever again? Cause that person sounds like me. And Makoto doesn't want someone like me.

The shouting comes to an end and I can hear hushed voices from the room next to mine. Huh. Guess they made up then. Pity. Perhaps I should use this time to get some sleep before they're at each others throats again.

Just my eyes start to flicker shut, I hear the door slowly creak open and Makoto pops his head in, whispering, "Haru?"

I grumble in response.

He lets himself in and sits at the foot of my bed, shaking my leg gently. "This is serious Haru. We need to talk."

Grudgingly I sit up. "What."

"Yesterday, while we were busy, Sousuke..he..well, h-"

"Spit it out. Sousuke what?" I snap at him. It's nothing personal. I'm just tired.

"He told Rin and the others where you are."

"Oh."

"And they're coming to get you."

I stop and stare at my hands, tapping restlessly against the duvet, now full of nervous energy.

"I'm sorry Haru. By the time I found out, there was nothing I could do about it."

His face is so full of hurt and worry that I can't help but take his own hand in mine to calm him. "It'll be fine. I'll find someway to deal with them. I couldn't hide forever. Wouldn't be fair on them."

Makoto smiles at me, grateful. "Thank you Haru. Thanks for understanding."

"I'm only be understanding because it wasn't your fault. Next time I see Sousuke I'm gonna punch him in the fucking face."

He laughs and pulls away, heading back towards the door. My hand goes cold at the loss of contact. "Better protect him from you then." The door begins to close behind him.

"Wait Makoto?"

He sticks his head back round. "Yeah?"

"What about you?"

"What do you mean, what about me?"

"What are you going to do? You've spent five years rebuilding your life and now it's going to all be torn down."

Shrugging his shoulders casually, Makoto fiddles with the sleeves on his shirt. "The life I created had barely even started before small parts of my old life came to haunt me. I should've known it wouldn't be long before everything caught up with me. After all, I can't run forever."

I stare at him, trying to read him like I used to be able to do. Seems that that bond is still broken, possibly to never be repaired. "Are you sure?"

"I'll be fine Haru. Stop worrying about me. Worry more about yourself."

"When are they coming?"

"Sousuke said they'd be here by tomorrow."

Tomorrow. My gaze wanders over to the window and as I lose myself in my thoughts, I hear Makoto whisper goodnight and shut the door.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow would be the day when the truth came out.

Tomorrow.

And maybe everything could be how it used to be. How I wish.

But by now I've learnt not to wish for impossible things.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Rin's P.O.V.

"So this is England then."

The rain comes down in huge waves, drenching us from head to toe. I swear I could be standing in a pool right now and be drier than this. It's been raining since we got off the plane and now my jacket is ten times heavier from all the water and my shoes are squelching and producing bubbles whenever I walk. I cannot understand why anyone would choose to come to a place like this. Or why anyone would choose to live here either.

Nagisa grumbles, huddled under the small umbrella that Rei had sensibly brought. "How far away is Sousuke's place? I wanna get inside."

I look down at the address he had sent me. "I don't know. London's confusing. This place could be right round the corner or 14 miles away. I'll call him and see whether he can give us directions." I dial the number and wait for Sousuke to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, 'suke. We've got the train into London and now we don't know where to go."

"Oh hey, Rin. Where are you?"

I look round for a sign before spotting the massive sign behind me. "Paddington."

"Station?"

"Yeah."

"You're quite far away so the best thing to do would be to get a taxi."

"Thanks."

"No problem, see y-"

"Wait, could I talk to Haru first?"

Sousuke pauses. "Uhh, he's with Ma- , he's a bit busy right now. I think its best if you just wait."

"Oh ok. See ya." I try to hide the disappointment in my voice.

"See ya."

The line goes dead. The other two turn to me expectantly. "He said it's best if we get a taxi."

"Thank goodness, " Rei rubs at his glasses, "they've steamed up really badly. I can't take anymore of this rain."

Makoto's P.O.V.

Haru picks at his food, stabbing it repeatedly with a fork but not eating it. He notices me staring and I quickly avert my eyes. I try to ignore it but Haru was making it very hard for me to eat my own food. "What's wrong?"

Like always, he just ignores me.

"Haru."

"What."

I sigh in annoyance. Sometimes Haru can be so difficult. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different, he's been like this since the first time I met him. When I was younger, I used to think it was because he was shy and nervous around new people but we've known each other for almost..almost 20 years. God, has it been that long already? And he still won't open up to me. There's no point in me really trying anymore and I can't figure out what it is inside me that stops me from turning a blind eye. I never get anything good out of it and always seem to have another piece of my heart chipped away. "You're worried, aren't you?"

His eyes widened and he dropped his fork in surprise. A small red blush creeps onto his cheeks and he hastily tries to regain his composure. "No." The slight wobble in his voice gives the act away.

"I'm not stupid Haru, " I say, unable to keep the smirk off my face, "I know you well. You're almost wetting yourself."

"Fuck you."

"You're not denying it."

He pouts and he looks so adorably mad that I can't help myself. My shoulders start to shake and before long the held-back laugh comes out in an controllable wave. Even Haru can't help himself and a small bubble of laughter escapes from his throat.

"What the hell is going on in here?"

The laughter ceases instantly and I look up at Sousuke standing in the doorway, phone in hand. Quickly turning to Haru, I see him eating his food as if nothing had happened. Typical. "Nothing important. Just Haru being.." I struggle to find a word to describe it.

"Being Haru?"

"Yeah. Just Haru being Haru. Where have you been? You missed breakfast."

Shrugging his shoulders, he walks to the table and pours himself a glass of water. "I was on the phone. Rin and the others have arrived. They'll be here in ten minutes or so."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Haru stiffen and then get ups and walk into the kitchen, bringing with him his plate. I must've looked disappointed because Sousuke comfortingly warps his arms round my shoulders and kisses me lightly on the cheek.

"Still not ready to face them, huh?"

I fall back into his embrace and snuggle my head in the crook of his arm. "I just don't get it. I still don't understand why he ran in the first place."

"Why did you run?"

Confused, I pull away from him and turn to face him. "What do you mean? You know exactly why."

"Maybe Haru doesn't know why. Maybe he still doesn't understand. You both had your reasons for running. It's going to take you a while to understand each others reasons but when you do, I think you'll notice that perhaps they aren't so different after all."

I look at him, bewildered. "How are you so sure about all this?"

Sousuke gazes vacantly out of the window, smiling gently. "What you and Haru have is something special, a bond that can't be broken. No matter what happens, you two will always find yourselves back where you began: together."

"Like you and Rin."

"Yeah...like me and Rin."

We both stare wistfully out of the window, thinking of better times when everyone was together and no further than a call away. Me and Souske are in the same boat. Both of the people we trust more than anything else are now less than a 5 minute walk away from us but it feels like we have to cross worlds to reach them.

The doorbell chimes, breaking the silence. Haru pops his head out of the kitchen. Sousuke smiles, but it looks more pained than anything. There's a pause: were all know who's at the door. I notice I'm holding my breath. Reluctantly, Sousuke makes his way to the door and opens it.

"Sousuke!"

"It's been a while Rin. It's good to see you."


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Haru's P.O.V.

From the doorframe I watch as Rin wraps Sousuke in a bear hug, tears in his eyes. My breath catches in my throat and I try to stifle a cough. Unfortunately, Rin notices and his eyes suddenly meet mine.

My body goes rigid.

He smiles.

I can't breathe.

He walks over to me.

I want to run.

He calls my name.

I want him to leave.

He wraps his arms round me.

I can feel his tears on my shoulder.

He whispers my name over and over in my ear until it begins ringing in my head. His arms are tight around my body and its suffocating. He's crushing my ribs so much they've gone numb. I need to escape from his snake coils but he's refusing to let me leave.

After what feels like several hours, he lets go. But he doesn't step back, no. With those long, harsh fingers he grabs my face, clawing at it as if he was a predator and I his prey. Rin pulls my face towards his, smashing his lips onto mine.

I can't take it anymore, so I pull away.

Rin stumbles back, a look of hurt washing over his face. "Haru?" His voice is fragile, as if it could snap at any moment. A silence hangs between us. Despite us only being three feet apart, I feel as if I'm on a whole different world entirely.

As we stand there for a bit I realise how selfish I am being. Rin has travelled all this way to see me. To take me home. He's been there for me all this time. I can't push him away now.

I smile softly at him. "Hi." My voice is barely a whisper.

"Hi." He whispers back.

"I missed you."

"Yeah. Me too."

Once again, I found myself lost in the beautiful pink flame of his eyes, just like 5 years ago. A sudden wave of emotion overwhelms me as I realise just how much I've missed him.

A short, sharp cough cuts between the two of us. I look past Rin and see Sousuke, Nagisa and Rei all staring at us, looking impatient.

I smile at the other two. "Nagisa. Rei."

Nagisa runs over to me and tackles me in a hug, knocking all the air right out of me. Once I finally manage to get him off me, Rei comes over and hugs me but it's a lot less violent.

Sousuke chuckles. "Wow. You'd think that you'd been gone for 5 years, not 5 days, Haru."

"Yeah, well...what can I say? I'm a popular guy." I can't keep the smirk off my face and as soon as Rin catches my eye, I lose it. The laughter is inescapable and before long, everyone is laughing uncontrollably. All tension in the room has vanished and as if by magic, it was just like when we were back in high school. But..where was Makoto?

As if he heard my thoughts, Rei said, "Look, it's not that I don't care about Haru, but I wasn't going to come all the way out here just to see him when he'd only been gone for 5 days-"

"Thanks Rei. Thanks."

"Let me finish. You told Rin," he turns to Sousuke, "that me an Nagisa better come down as well. Why?"

This catches the others interests. Rin leans forward, closer to Sousuke. "Yeah..what was such a big deal that all of us had to come down here?"

Sousuke shifts uncomfortably in his seat and looks nervously at me. I look away, unsure of what to say or do. He gulps. "Uhhh, well..it's a funny story really-"

"Well not really."

Nagisa whips round to loom at me, excited. "Haru!? You know?! Tell us! Tell us!"

"Jesus Nagisa. Calm down. And it's not that easy."

"What do you mean it's not that easy?"

Rei steps in. "Nagisa. Calm down. I'm sure they'll tell us. Maybe they just need time to figure out what they're going to say."

"It's not really something they can say."

I freeze at the sound of that voice. Shit. Rei, Nagisa and Rin all turn slowly to the new voice, their eyes widening.

I can't help but turn my head also.

Makoto stands there in the doorway, hair ruffled and the ghost of a smile lingering on his face.

There's a heavy silence.

Shit.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Sousuke's P.O.V.

How long does a silence have to be for it to get incredibly awkward? 20 seconds? 30? It's been silent for a minute now and I've been needing to cough but I don't want to be the one to break it.

Makoto's still standing in the doorway, wringing his hands together as he always does when he's nervous. I want to go over there and hold him, telling him it's all fine but I think we need to wait to tell them about us. One shocking fact at a time. Keeping his eyes locked on the floor, Haru remains stationary, no emotion on his blank face. I wonder what he's thinking right now.

The other three also haven't moved. Mouths hanging open, faces a ghastly white. The thoughts running round in their heads must be so confused and mangled, an overload of emotion compared to Haru's bland mind. Are they happy? Sad? Angry?

I was never as close to Makoto as any of them were but even I remember the wild rush of emotions that ran through my head when I saw him on these London streets.

Flashback

I was walking home from work, tired and exhausted. Life here was so different to what I had had in Japan. But I preferred it here. I think.

I wanted to go home and sleep. Maybe call Rin...no. I said I wouldn't do that anymore. We both- I needed to move on. I don't think he had anything to move on from. He had Haru anyway. Both of them had grown very close after Makoto's death.

The sky was starting to darken and small drops of rain began to fall on my shoulder. Before long it was thundering down. Ugh. Typical. I had no umbrella with me and my apartment was still a good ten minutes walk away. And I had left my wallet at home. Just freaking typical.

I kept my head down and walked briskly through the crowds. Inevitably, I walked into someone. He fell forward but managed to catch himself before he fell flat on his face.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going-"

The man laughed. "Don't worry honestly. It's so busy round here, it happens all the time. Thanks any-" He looked up and his bright green eyes looked into mine. His voice faltered and he gulped nervously.

The world had suddenly stopped moving round me. All I could focus on was him. "Mako- Tachibana?"

End Of Flashback

Despite never being close before, we clicked, just like that. It wasn't long before we moved in together and became good friends, eventually becoming more than that. I was his person to talk to and I could understand him. I understood why he hadn't come back. Afterall, it was for the same reason I had left.

"Not to be snappy but can someone fucking say something cause, jeez this is getting stupid."

"Way to ruin it Nanase."

"Shut it Yamazaki."

"Can both of you shut up?!"

We both turn in surprise to Nagisa. Tears are streaming down his cheeks and his fists are clenched. He turns to Makoto and points and accusing finger at him, his arm shaking. "You! You're alive! You've been alive this whole fucking time and it never occurred to you once to tell us?! Did it never cross your mind how we felt? How we were left suffering? Did you ever once think about us?" His voice shakes before turning into heavy, grief-stricken sobs.

All of us stand staring at him, unsure of what to do. It's Makoto that makes the first move. He walks over to Nagisa and wraps his arms round him in a comforting hug, stroking his hair softly, murmuring "I'm so sorry," over and over again.

Nagisa relaxes into the hug and his sobs become quieter and softer. "I thought you were dead."

"I know."

They break apart and smile at each other. Rin and Rei both walk over to Makoto and tackle him in a bear hug. Although they are not as obvious as Nagisa, the small tears in their eyes betray them and we can all tell they missed Makoto as well. The scene was so heart-warming it would've melted a heart of ice - even Haru's for that matter.

Time Skip

"Isn't is so weird how everything can change drastically in just a few hours?"

Rin laughs. "It hasn't changed by that much Nagisa."

Nagisa nods sarcastically at Rin. "Oh yeah 'cause it's not completely weird that Makoto's alive and him an Sousuke are banging in secret."

I choke on my drink.

Makoto turns a bright red. "Nagisa!"

Sitting up straight, Rin withdraws his hands from Haru's and holds them up, signalling for us to pause. "Wait a minute." He clears his throat. "You two are dating?"

I take Makoto's hand in mine and he smiles. "Yep."

"How did you not realise," Rei asks. "It was so obvious." He turns back to me, "so how long have you two been dating for?"

Makoto squeezes my hand, "in a few days will be our one year anniversary."

"Aww. That's sweet."

I notice Haru shift uncomfortably in his seat. He's not very subtle. I know he has feelings for Makoto still. I'm not stupid. I just don't know how he'll react when our anniversary comes and I get down on one knee and ask that all important question.

Makoto, will you marry me?


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Rin's P.O.V.

We booked into a hotel not far from Sousuke and Makoto's apartment. Nagisa and Rei disappeared into their room and I was left with Haru. Without the others, we are left with a deathly cold silence. I thought we would of had a lot to say to each other but I can't think of anything to say to him.

I want to scream at him. I want to yell, shout at him for leaving me all alone with no explanation. He made me worry about him. I cried myself to sleep, wondering what I did to make him leave. He seems unaware of how hard I looked for him and what I put aside just so I could find him. I would die for him, yet he doesn't give a damn about me. He feels nothing to me and with him, now feel nothing. I want to start a fight just so I can feel something.

But I don't.

And I wish I knew why.

"Are you going to stand there glaring at that pillow forever?"

I lift my head in response to Haru's voice. Its harsh with no feeling in it whatsoever. He's not even looking at me. Instead he's looking at a picture...a picture of him and Makoto back in high school. They're smiling in the picture, arms draped round one another. Both look so comfortable together and just so right. The perfect couple.

I smile softly. I thought that realising how Haru actually felt should be a lot harder than this. It should hurt. It should make me cry, scream and ache. I guess it doesn't hurt because I always knew. Makoto will always come first. I feel a lot lighter now. Like admitting the truth has removed a huge burden from my shoulders.

There's only one thing left to do to for me to fully let go from this empty relationship.

Let go of Haru himself.

"Haru, we need to talk."

"No thanks."

I take hold of his arm and turn him to face me. "It's serious Haru."

He pulls a face, signalling that he'd much rather do anything himself but with a begrudging smile, he sits down on the bed with me next to him. "Go on then. Talk."

I take a deep breath. "I think we should end things between us."

He starts and then stops. He doesn't look hurt, just confused. "Why?"

"I saw the way you were staring at Makoto today. I was there when the two of you were friends in high school and I could see how right you were together. You were meant to be with Makoto, Haru. You love him. And I don't want to stop you guys from having everything you wanted."

"I don't love him."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying." Pause. "I love you."

I hate how stubborn Haru is. He refuses to admit the truth and it gets so frustrating. "Don't lie to me. I'm not stupid."

"I'm not lying!"

I grit my teeth together and I feel my hands clenching into a tight fist. "I'm not fucking stupid. You can't deny the way you look at him. You never looked at me like that. Never. All I ever was to you was someone to lean back on, someone with the nerve to adore you. I'm not sorry that it's over and I'm not angry that you love him. I'm angry at myself for ever thinking that we could have something that means something."

Haru falls silent and averts his gaze to the floor. I realise I'm shaking out of fury. How can he still be so emotionless and so cold?

"I've never been anywhere as cold as you Haru."

"I'm sorry-"

"Save it."

I walk out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

As I walk into the fresh air, my head cools and I am able to think straight once more. I'm sorry for shouting at Haru and I regret many of the things I said to him. I know I'll apologise later tonight and everything will be as it was before. But this time we'll only be friends, nothing more.

I don't know what Haru's going to do though. It's obvious that he's in love with Makoto. Yet Makoto is in love with Sousuke. I still can't say that in my head without wanting to laugh. Makoto and Sousuke. It's just so weird. Out of all the group, I never thought those two would've gotten it on.

I always used to think that it would be Nagisa and Rei (no negotiation there), Makoto and Haru, and me and Sousuke... wow. I hadn't thought about him like that in a long time. If I'm being honest, I was so caught up in Haru that I had forgotten I'd ever once thought about Sousuke that way.

I wonder whether he had ever felt the same way about me. Or was it always Makoto for him?

Why do I even care? He's with Makoto now and that's all that matters to him. Heck, he even told me he was going to propose to him. I should be happy for them but all I feel is this pang of jealously.

Why is it that I always want whoever Makoto has?


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Sousuke's P.O.V.  
I sit alone in my room, holding the small diamond ring in my hand. The crystal corners catch the sun and reflect small glimmers of light, dancing across the ceiling. 

When I bought this ring, I was so sure. I was so certain of everything. I knew when it would be, where to would be and who we would invite. Now I'm not even sure he is going to say yes. 

I'm happy to see them all again, don't get me wrong. And seeing Rin again was...was like returning home. Everything was comfortable and right, giving me a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. 

Yet when I told him of my plans, things between us suddenly went cold and rigid. All his emotions froze and talking to him seemed like talking to a brick wall. I wanted him to be happy for me, so it stung when he turned away without saying anything. 

As much as I wanted to run after him, I told myself to stay. It's not all about him anymore. It's about Makoto. It should have always been about him. He seems to be the only one that cares about me and how I'm feeling. We can agree on almost everything and it's all so perfect. 

He's perfect. 

Why do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself? I've never doubted him before, so why now? 

I shake my head and place the ring back in the box. It must be the nerves. I need some fresh air.

Walking through the living room, I shout to Makoto, telling him I'm going out for a quick walk. I don't know whether he heard me or not. 

The air outside is cool and refreshing. Everything seems to become clearer around me, despite the heaving crowds and polluted air. Everything seems normal. 

Makoto's P.O.V.

"Sousuke?"

No reply. He must have gone out for a walk and I didn't hear him leave. I hope he's alright. Everything's been a bit hectic recently. 

The phone rings which is weird cause rarely anyone calls here, bar a few work friends. 

"Hello?" 

"Makoto?"

"Oh, hey Haru." I wonder what could be bothering him so much for him to call me. "What's up?"

"I think Rin just broke up with me."

"I'll be there in 5."

Time Skip 

Haru's tears have stopped falling now and we sit in a comfortable silence. I think about what he just told me and as much as I want to side with Haru, I have to agree with Rin. "But did you actually love him, Haru?"

"Of course I d-"

I catch his eye and he falters. 

"No." He drops his gaze to the floor and fiddles nervously with his hands. 

"Then he did the right thing. And you can't just carry on lying to him. It's not fair on him and it's not fair on you." 

"How come everything in your life is so perfect?"

I roll my eyes at his comment. Sometimes Haru just doesn't think before he speaks so when he opens his mouth, the most stupid things comes out. My life perfect. What a joke. My family is dead. Everything I tried to avoid has come back into my life. My boyfriend is to blame. "Trust me. It's far from perfect."

"Hey, it's better than mine at this current time. You have a boyfriend who loves you. A stable job." He winks at me ,"excellent friends." 

I can't help but laugh. 

He leans back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling. "Sometimes I wish I was dead to the world. Like you."

"I'm not dead to the world. I tried to be dead but that failed miserably." Honestly, there was no point in me even trying. 

"Do you wish it was still like that?"

"Huh?" He caught me off guard. 

"Do you wish we had never found out? Do you miss being able to live your life completely separate from us?"

"Yeah. Quite a lot actually."

He sits up in surprise and stares at me with wide eyes. "Really? You wish that you had never seen me- I mean, us, again?"

"There are days when I wish I had never met Sousuke on that street. I wish I just walked away. Wish I had just left as soon as I realised it was him. I would've been able to live my life in peace, without the past constantly knocking at my door, demanding to be let in."

Haru doesn't speak. 

"I'm not saying I didn't miss hanging out with you guys. I missed you all badly. You most of all." I smile at him softly. "But like I said when you first arrived, I left for a reason. I needed to be alone. And it was a mistake moving in with Sousuke. If I hadn't done that, then maybe I would have got what I actually wanted."

"Then why are you still here?"

Sighing, I run my hand through my hair. It needs a wash. "I don't know. I feel like I'm in to deep now to leave. You guys would just find me again. And there's Sousuke -"

"Do you love him?"

"Pardon?" 

"Do you love Sousuke?" 

I cough hastily. "Of course I do." My voice comes out rough and croaky. 

"I just want you to be certain before you do something you'll regret. If you lie to yourself, you'll only hurt him and yourself. And I know you don't want to do that. If you need to get out and run away again, then do that." He takes a deep breath. "You need to stop caring so much about the people around you. Do what's best for you."

Standing up from the bed, he grabs a towel and heads towards the bathroom door. "I need a shower." 

The door closes behind him and I'm left by myself. 

If only I was truly alone.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Makoto's P.O.V.

If you need to get out and run away again, then do that.

I can't get what Haru said out of my head. It's all I can think about as we all head out for dinner together. It's all I can think about as I lie in bed next to Sousuke at night. It's all I can think about. 

I want to take his advice, I really do. Everyday I think about just getting up and leaving. As mine and Sousuke's anniversary nears, the thoughts increase and I can't think straight. I don't want to be here anymore. And it's not fair on the other guys if I lie to them. 

If I left this time, I would be leaving for real. Properly. I would make sure the other guys don't follow me. Haru would understand and hopefully he would convince the other guys not to follow me either. Maybe. 

I may say all this but I know I'm not going to leave. I've been away from these guys for over 5 years. It hurt when I missed them and I don't want to feel that pain again. I don't want to go back to waking up in the mornings knowing that Haru is on the other side of the world. 

So I won't leave. 

The next few days passed in a blur. All the others would constantly be meeting up and going out for dinner with each other but each time I was invited, I came up with a new excuse to avoid it. These excuses were understandable; I had too much work to do, I wasn't feeling well, I already have plans with someone else etc. I know full well that both Haru and Sousuke saw right through them but neither said anything. 

For me, it's so much easier this way. It's like it was before except I have to be constantly watching my back to make sure they aren't behind me. The others are getting tired of it. You can read the annoyance and disappointment on their face each time I say I can't go out with them. 

It's made things incredibly tense between me and Sousuke. Even as we sit together, alone, the silence is thick and is pressing down on me. We don't sit next to each other anymore. Instead of cuddling together, limbs tangled together, we sit at least a foot away from each other, keeping ourselves to ourselves and looking in opposite directions. 

I'm unsure of whether I prefer it this way. 

"Makoto."

I jump at his sudden words and gulp nervously. That tone can't mean anything good. He only uses it when he's angry and he's rarely used it with me, well not till recently anyway. "Yes?"

Turning to face me, I notice his eyes are dark and his eyebrows are furrowed. "What the hell has been up with you recently? Why aren't you hanging out with us anymore?"

"I've just been very busy. That's all there is to it."

"Bullshit."

The anger starts to build up in me. "What else do you expect me to say?! There's nothing to it! I have a life outside of you guys and you full well know that. I have better things to do." By the time I've finished, I realise I'm standing up, towering over him with my fists clenched. 

He too stands up and we face each other, glaring. We're similar heights but he is slightly taller, allowing him to intimidate me slightly but that doesn't deter me. 

"They're only here for a few more days! I'm sure your life outside can wait just a bit longer to spend time with those you've avoided for so long. I brought them here to see you. And now you won't even talk to them."

"It's not me that brought them down here! That was you! I didn't - don't want them here and you brought them here. So don't act like this is my fault." 

He shakes his head and looks to the side, biting his lip. The silence between us is strong and deadly, like a hunter in the night. Letting out a deep breath, he turns and looks me dead in the eye, his voice no louder than a whisper. "You're a selfish coward."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me," he raises his voice, "You are a selfish coward Makoto."

"I don't understand."

"Then let me explain it for you. Your friends have thought you were dead for 5 years. 5 years. They cried and they hurt over a lie. You pretended you were dead to help get rid of your pain and your guilt without even thinking about how others felt."

My throat goes dry. 

"God, I can't even imagine how Haru felt. He must've thought it was all his fault. He would've blamed himself for your death. Can you even imagine what that must feel like?"

I open my mouth to say something but he cuts me off. 

"No. Let me finish. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I missed them? Did it ever occur to you that perhaps I wanted to see them again? That maybe it hurt to miss Rin that much but I never did call him again. You know why?"

I do know why. 

"Because of you Makoto. I knew that if I were to call him, it wouldn't be long before they all found out and I knew you didn't want that. I sacrificed so much for you. And then Haru showed up. It stung like a bitch when I realised I had done so much for you while Haru had nothing and yet you loved him more than you could ever love me. So you know what? We're through."

"No, wait you don't mea-"

"Yes. I do." He stops and looks round the flat, putting his hands in his pockets. "You can stay here until you find somewhere else to go. I'm going to move my stuff to the other bedroom."

He walks away and leaves me alone. I'm unable to move as I realise how my world has just shattered around me. The small tears start to trickle down my cheek. I know I'm not crying because he broke up with me. 

I'm crying because I know every single word he just said was true. 

And I hate it.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Makoto's P.O.V.

It's been almost 24 hours since me and Sousuke broke up and despite still living together, I haven't seen him at all. I don't know whether he's talked to the other guys but I know that I won't be seeing them anytime soon. 

I don't know what feeling I am feeling. There's no anger there, no hurt and no sadness. There's no happiness or relief. Just an empty space where Sousuke used to sit. 

The apartment now feels cold and empty. I feel awkward standing in the room; I've become a stranger in my own place. But then it's not mine anymore. I lost it when I lost Sousuke.

Logging onto the computer, I start to look for other apartments I'd be able to rent out. I begin to look for apartments in London but they're expensive and I don't want to live in a place where there's a high chance of running into him again. 

There's no way in hell I'm going to run away again. I've built a life here for me in England, in London. I'm fed up of running and it's not something I want to do anymore. I think that perhaps I may move to the other side of London so I can still go to work but I have less chance of running into Sousuke again. 

After what feels like hours of scrolling through apartments mindlessly, I shut down the computer and stare out of the window at the bustling city of London. I find it amusing how I managed to even find Sousuke out of the millions of people that live here. It's like fate kept on bringing me and the memories of Iwatobi back together. 

I hear the door open slightly and someone walk in. "Uh Makoto?"

Turning and smiling softly at Sousuke, I give him a small wave. "Hey."

Nervously rubbing the back of his neck, he takes a timid step forward. "I'm sorry for disappearing for most of the day. I don't really know what to say after a break up so I just kinda went and I know that wasn't right of me-"

"We all know I'm the biggest culprit for running away." I crack a small smile. 

"Anyway, I have something I need to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"Well uh, when the others go back to Japan or Australia, whatever, I'm going with them."

"What?!" My heart suddenly stops and I find it difficult to breathe all of a sudden. 

He kneels down in front of me and takes my hands in his. "I know you're surprised. I just think it's for the best. You get left alone, how you want it, and I get to go live the life I guess I truly wanted."

"I'm not shocked." I don't know why I'm lying. "Just confused. When..what..how.."

He chuckles softly. "I went to go see Rin this morning. Told him about the breakup," he shrugs him shoulders carelessly. "He suggested that I go back to Australia with him and Haru. Coach a team over there."

I clear my throat and try to think straight. "So you're leaving...tomorrow?"

"Yeah. You can have the apartment. It's probably best for us anyway if one of us leaves and I figured you'd done enough running."

"Yeah...I'm gonna miss you."

"Me too. But hey," he lifts my chin up so I'm facing him, "it's for the best, right?"

I nod slowly. This is all happening too fast. First we broke up but now he's leaving? I want to tell him to stay and try again with me but I know it's not fair on either of us. Or Rin for that matter. 

"I'm going to go start packing now." He gets up and disappears into the other room. 

"Sousuke?"

He sticks his head back through the door. "Yeah?"

"Promise me you'll finally tell Rin how you feel."

He flushes a bright red. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

I give him that knowing glance until he finally gives in. 

"I promise."

"Good. I'm gonna go talk to Haru."

Time Skip

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?"

I shake my head again. "Nah, I'm good here. I have my own life and everything. All I need is here already."

Haru pouts. "Ouch."

Ruffling his hair gently, I laugh. "All apart from you Haru."

We sit close together on his bed, limbs tangled together, just talking like we used to do all those years ago. Of course, so much has changed since then. 

"I don't want to leave you."

"I don't want you to leave me either. I don't want any of you to go. But we all lead different lives now and my life is very far apart from yours."

He leans forward and rests his head against me forehead. His hair is soft and smells like vanilla. Whispering, he speaks in my ear, his voice low and husky, "it doesn't have to be that way."

I know what he's hinting at and as much as I just want to kiss him, I know it's not right and will just hurt us even more. So I push him away slightly. "Yes it does. And you know that."

For a small moment, he looks hurt, like a kicked puppy, but it doesn't deter him for long. I'm not even aware of how it happened, but the next thing I know it that he's pinned me to the bed and his mouth is hovering dangerously close to mine. 

"I like you Makoto. And I know you like me to. Don't try to deny it."

"I'm not going to deny it. God, I've liked you for years and years. It doesn't make any of this right, though."

He suddenly pushes his lips down onto mine. Although I try to resist the temptation, I find myself kissing him back. He's just so irresistible. Yet something about it just feels so wrong and I find myself breaking off the kiss. 

"That didn't feel right to you?"

Gently pushing him off me, I sit up and run my hands through my hair. "Yes, yes it did. It felt so goddamn right but oh so wrong at the same time. Don't you get it Haru? Our feelings don't get to decide this time."

"And when have you ever let your feelings made the decision? If you weren't so scared we could've had something special all those years ago."

"It wasn't me that was scared all those years ago. It was you. You said no then and I'm saying no now. Please accept that."

"Fine." He looks away, the tears starting to pool in his eyes. 

I can't help myself. I place a soft, sweet kiss on the corner of his mouth, drawing away before it can become anything more. "Maybe one day Haru. One day we'll have our chance. I promise."

"Then I guess I'll wait for that day."

I smile down at him. "You do that."

Time Skip

We stand a few metres away from the gateway. It's time for goodbye and who knows how long it'll be before I see any of them again. I hug Nagisa and Rei. Nagisa starts to cry but I promise him it won't be long before we see each other again. It's strange how both of us can find such comfort in a lie. 

Rin steps back from our hug and runs his hand through his long hair. "God, it's going to be so hard explaining to Gou about what's happened."

I shrug my shoulders and laugh. "I guess that's where I'm lucky. I'm still dead."

They all laugh but it's hollow and empty, like a broken promise. Sousuke places a quick kiss on my cheek and they all disappear through the gateway, leaving me and Haru alone.

"You'd better keep your promise."

I wink at him. "Since when have I broken my promises?"

"You always do." He suddenly tackles me in a hug. "I'm going to miss you so much."

Placing a quick kiss on the top of his head, I enjoy the warmth his embrace supplies. "I'm going to miss you to."

"Goodbye Makoto."

"Goodbye Haru."

With a last small wave, he disappears through the gateway.

Wait for me Haru. It'll take time but I'll come back for you. I'm no longer going to pretend I'm dead. I'm going to be living. 

Living for you.


End file.
